October 28, 2011

Faith

I have been really overwhelmed lately and I just haven't found out how to stay calm and wait for everything to work itself out.  As soon as we found out we were expecting, I became more and more anxious about our financial situation.  While my husband tells me repeatedly that we will be perfectly fine, I still worry that we will bring home this new little baby and we won't be able to afford him/her.  What if I can't breastfeed and we have to pay for formula?  What if diapers cost us way more than we planned for?  What if something has to be repaired at home and we can't afford to pay for it because the baby comes first?

About a month ago, I had started to see some light at the end of the tunnel.  We were budgeting and watching our finances... we even planned ahead for medical expenses and my income for maternity leave.  I was feeling good.  Then we encountered a plumbing disaster and piled up about $3,000 on our credit card (the one we had just paid off).  Since then, it's been very stressful.  I dread balancing the checkbook and looking at that credit card bill.  I put it off, because I hate seeing that I can't pay it off right away and that we are that much farther behind on being debt free.

When I talk to my mom about this, she always says the most reassuring things.  She tells me that her and dad are praying for us and that I just have to have faith that God will watch over us and take care of everything.  To be honest, at first that didn't make me feel much better.  I haven't been much of a religious person for years.  When I was in grade school and junior high, I was very active in my church and youth group.  At the time, I remember having faith.  I don't know what happened along the way, but I apparently lost some of that faith.  I can sometimes be easily discouraged and it's hard to turn to God when I don't understand why he would keep letting bad things happen to us.

Then I realized that I have to look at the situation with a little bit of perspective.  I recently watched the movie "Soul Surfer" and it opened up my eyes.  This true story is about a young surfer who loses her arm to a shark bite.  She couldn't understand why God let this happen to her, but others kept telling her that God had a plan for her.  Here I am stressing out about money, getting upset that God isn't helping me with my leaking basement, when people are sick and dying, or homeless and starving, or getting bit by sharks.  I have more than most, and I am very thankful for that. 

So the other day I was driving home from school and I couldn't find anything on the radio.  The first channel that I tuned into was a christian based radio station that had a speaker talking about prayer.  I listened for awhile and it got me thinking.  I have always had this narrow concept that praying occurred with your eyes closed, hands together, and you asked God for something.  But as I listened, this speaker elaborated on that by saying that people need to just take the time to "talk" to God.  Like he's a friend on the phone... 

So that's what I did.  I "prayed" for about the last 30 minutes of my drive home.  As I talked about everything that was bothering me and everything that I felt was going wrong, I started crying.  It wasn't really any different from talking to my mom or dad on the phone, but the result felt different.  Maybe this new prayer venture will help me build up my faith again.

I wasn't sure what my husband would think and I have no idea if he ever sits down and prays.  But yesterday, I had a bad morning.  I got some bad news on the phone and I just started crying.  My first thought was "Don't get discouraged and think that your prayer was all for nothing."  I didn't want to mentally scorn God because I had made this "leap of faith" and prayed, only to wake up the very next morning and have something else go wrong.  So I called my husband.  He calmed me down and, again, told me that we will be perfectly fine.  Then, at the very end, he said "God will look out for us."

October 18, 2011

Our little lime

I read my cousin's blog today that she wrote to her 6 month old son Jon, and it was so sweet that it made me cry.  It also inspired me to write about our little one... or to our little one.

This is our first pregnancy and everything is changing.  We found out we were pregnant 8 weeks ago and are so ecstatic!  At the time, our baby was compared to a poppy seed.  My pregnancy app compares the baby to fruit and vegetable every week.  Now, our little one is the size of a lime.  That's crazy!  A lime is so tangible...  so definitive.  The one ultrasound that we had was at 8 weeks and our little one looked like a peanut, or a lima bean.  No definite limbs, just a shape and a heartbeat. 

I wish I could see our little one now.  Arms and legs are moving and flexible.  Eyes are fluttering.  My pregnancy app says that if I press on my belly, the baby will feel it and squirm.  I love that!  I love that I have this weird, little way of communicating with our little one.

So here is what I would say to our little one:

I love you so much, and you're not even here in our arms yet.  Your Daddy is beyond in love with you.  He looks at me differently now.  With this sense of awe and love that I've never seen before.  When I touch my stomach out of comfort, he gets this little smile on my face.  If I seem to be in pain, he immediately asks if I'm okay.  Always checking on me and keeping tabs on my condition.

When we lay in bed at night, he rubs my belly and I know he is thinking about you.  We talk about you a lot.  What you are going through as you grow big and strong.  What you will be like when you get here and what we will be like once we are parents.  We talk about what to name you, and how excited we are to finish your nursery, and your Daddy keeps telling me to stop buying stuff for you because we don't know yet if you're going to be a boy or a girl.  Mind filling me in so I can get back to Babies R Us?

We talk to your Grandparents about you and I'm always sending emails to your Grandma about what new fruit or vegetable we can compare you to.  Your aunt is pregnant right now too and she is having a little girl, so you will have a cousin that is almost the same age as you!  You're going to love everyone when you get here and everyone here already loves you.

I've been pretty emotional lately with all of the hormones surging through my system.  I hope my constant crying and anxiety hasn't been taking too much of a toll on you.  I'm trying really hard to take care of myself and you.  I hope I'm doing a good job...  I'm not supposed to be able to feel you moving around for another month or so, but anytime you feel like jabbing or kicking me, please feel free.  I will relish in it like nothing else. 

We love you little one!

October 10, 2011

Baby. Baby. And more baby.

I have had a one track mind lately.  Baby.  Getting the nursery ready for the baby.  Getting the rest of the house ready for the baby.  Setting up the baby registry.  Thinking about baby names.  Buying diapers... for the baby. 

This is obviously normal.  Every new Mom (and Dad) go through big life changes when they are getting ready to bring home a new member of their family.  My problem is that I want it all done NOW.  I have 6 months before we will bring home our little bundle of joy, but that is not enough time.  No sir-ee Bob!  My craziness has been driving my husband nuts.  He told me the other day that I had to lay off the "Spring Cleaning" because he was running out of room in the back of his SUV to haul stuff to the dumpster.

I'm sure he gives me looks when my back is turned.  You know... the ones that say "OMG... what is going to happen when the baby is actually here?"  Or "I wish she would just stop moving, for one minute, and take a breath."  I think I make him dizzy.  Unfortunately, he knew this was coming.  I knew this was coming.

Luckily, we have an amazing network of family and friends that have been super supportive.  My Dad has been helping us every-which-way to get the house ready for the baby.  Bathroom remodeling, attic insulation, fresh drywall, and landscaping.  My best friend came over and spent hours helping me and my Dad, and I know that she is always there for me to lend a helping hand.  My amazing cousin has set herself up so that she can provide us with the best daycare ever!  We could not thank these people enough for what they have done for us already...

People always say that RAISING a child takes a village.  I say that GETTING READY FOR A CHILD and HAVING A CHILD takes a village as well.  I'm very thankful that I have a village behind us!