A recipe for disaster...

Disclaimer:  I am not an artist in the kitchen.  I have a few things that I make exceptionally well, like lasagna and meatloaf.  And I’m capable of reading a recipe and making chocolate chip cookies and pecan pie.  Quite the opposite, I’m also capable of destroying the most simple edible concoctions.  For instance, I almost burned down the kitchen making microwave popcorn. 

I gave you that disclaimer so that you don’t go and take my blog seriously and then sue me later when you either burn down your house (you should always have a fire extinguisher in your kitchen) or singe off your eyebrows.  I know a good lawyer and I know how to use him!

While it is a little bit early in the year for this, I’m going to share with you my Thanksgiving Day recipes.  When we are done today, you will have made turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, green bean casserole, dinner rolls, and pie.  I’m not getting fancy with yams and cranberry sauce.  You should NEVER put marshmallows on anything but a graham cracker with a Hershey’s chocolate bar square!

Step 1:  Prep your turkey for the roaster.  Make sure you buy the kind with the pop up timer because, if you’re like me, you will either undercook your turkey and give your family food poisoning, or overcook it and make your Mother-in-Law give you THAT look.  

Remove the turkey from the packaging and rinse it thoroughly.  There should be a little baggy of crap stuck up the turkey’s hind end.  Holler at your husband to come in the kitchen and ask him to politely remove it for you.  Then baste the turkey with olive oil and butter and sprinkle it with seasonings.  I usually use thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper.  Roast on 350 for approximately 1 hour/10 pounds.

Step 2:  Prep your green bean casserole.  Buy frozen green beans, Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup, and French’s fried onions.  Now, this is really simple... follow the recipe on the back of the Campbell’s soup can. 

Step 3:  Prep your potatoes.  Wash them., peel them, cut them into manageable chunks, put them in a pot with water, and boil them until tender.  Once you have drained off the water, mash them with butter, sour cream, and a little bit of milk.  Always sniff the milk first, just in case...

Step 4:  Gravy.  Yeah... I’m not even going to go there.  Your best bet is to make sure you invite your Mom to dinner.  When she comes in the kitchen to ask if you need help (and she will if she is a self-respecting Mom), say casually “Sure!  I was just getting ready to make the gravy.”  When you hand her the packet of powder gravy and a measuring cup for the water, she will scowl at you.  Then she will proceed to make fabulous homemade gravy from the turkey drippings and starch.  THIS IS WHY YOU ALWAYS INVITE YOUR MOTHER TO THANKSGIVING DINNER!

Step 5:  Dinner rolls.  Well, that one is easy!  Call Dad!  Did I forget to mention that my parents own a bakery?  Dad always brings his delicious dinner rolls for every holiday meal.  All you have to do is warm them up in the microwave so they are piping hot.

Step 6:  Pie.  I could also call Dad for this one, especially for the pumpkin pie.  But since my husband likes Pecan Pie, we are going old school on this one.  You could always Google a recipe, or look on the backs of cans in the baking aisle.  You are bound to come up with one eventually.  Just look for the Karo corn syrup bottle.  I’m going to share with you a recipe I found online:

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What you need:

1 pre-made pie crust
1/3 of a cup of packed brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons of all-purpose flour
1 1/4 cups of light corn syrup
1 1/4 teaspoons of vanilla
3 eggs
1 1/2 cups of chopped pecan halves
2 tablespoons of melted butter or margarine

Heat your oven to 375.

In a large bowl, mix together the brown sugar, flour, light corn syrup, vanilla and eggs.  Stir in pecans and butter.  Pour into pie crust (oh yeah, you should probably have already had the pie crust out and in a pie pan).  Bake for 40-50 minutes. 

Cool and enjoy!

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For more great cooking experiences, check out “My Drunk Kitchen” episodes or watch a great holiday episode below.  I absolutely love this girl!